I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I have already put on my inside pants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
