my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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