My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
