I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
