You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
