a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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