The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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