i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
