That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
