I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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