how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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