My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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