my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
