Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
