The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
