Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
