Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
