I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
