I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
