I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
