I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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