I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
