I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
