i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
