It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
