He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
