you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
third nipple confirmed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
