Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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