cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
