if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
