I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
