You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
