i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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