When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
