She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
