my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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