So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
