He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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