I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
