I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
