GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
