Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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