and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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