Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
