omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
