So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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