at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
