You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
