She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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