just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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