She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
