I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
